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We Are All Sensitive People

October 16, 2010

No one gets married hoping for divorce. We’re all convinced that there’s something different about our relationships…that we have what it takes to make it work. We have to…with an intimidating average divorce rate of about 40%…how could we not? We want to get married, don’t we? We don’t want to get divorced. None of us.

That being said.

It’s inevitable that some marriages end in divorce, as sad as the fact is. I’ve just learned that two people very close to me will be getting divorced. Despite the fact that I agree it’s necessary because of everything that has happened in their marriage, it’s still devastating.

When my parents got divorced, I was 12 and I was straight-faced through the entire ordeal. What happened?  Nothing. I didn’t lose my faith in marriage. I didn’t believe it could never work. It didn’t affect me at all.

I never believe in excuses or cop-outs. My life has been riddled with deeply-felt disappointment, pain, horribly intentioned individuals and the best intentioned that still hurt me throughout. Who hasn’t? I’m not telling you about my “hard-knock life,” I’m telling you that all of us experience the deepest pain we’ve ever known…because it’s all we have ever known. Those pains do affect us, whether we are ready to admit it or not.

My parents’ divorce did affect me. My behavior in high school was shaped by the absence of my dad, however you decide to take that. I was promiscuous. I smoked. I was eager to grow up. I was ready to prove that my family’s unusually high number of divorces wasn’t going to shape who I was and how I loved (only three couples are still married and one was married until death did them part out of both sides).

Enter scene. Tonight. Eating the most delicious Parmesan chicken you can imagine, hearing that these two people will be divorced. It’s no surprise. It’s necessary. There’s nothing to save.

Act 1, scene 2. Back home. Isaiah leaves the room to play around with Garage Band so we can record some new stuff. I want to help. He doesn’t want my help. I panic, leave the room.

We fought. I shut down, which is actually not normal for me. Our Chicagoan nature comes out most when we fight…always ends up lasting about one hour on the dot. Make up. We are both eager to apologize all the time. Tonight, Isaiah had no idea what to apologize for…and I would be damned if I was going to say sorry first.

Some other day, when my eyes aren’t a little red from the aftermath of confronting my feelings, I’ll tell you how we fight and why I think it’s a major reason our relationship will last until the end. However, tonight was not a good example of that. Tonight was the after-prom, epitome of high school fight.

Flash forward to the end of mostly silence from me for an hour…Isaiah cuddling my frigid back and wanting me to talk to him. Me saying “leave me alone” repeatedly. Yeah, real mature, I know.

Me: We’re watching a divorce unfold because two people do everything completely separate from each other and one has never apologized in the history of the marriage! And you, somehow, managed to do both.

Isaiah: Aww…honey. We’re not them…

Me: I know {Insert a few misplaced tears}…just…my feelings… (Boo-hoo, I know)

Isaiah: sings “We are all sensitive people…”

Me: Cracks up laughing, hits him with pillow.

[end fight]

He really knows everything about me.

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24 Comments leave one →
  1. October 16, 2010 11:43 pm

    Ah, that made me a little emotional. My parents are divorced as well and I’d love to say it didn’t affect me and the way I view relationships but of course it did. I feel lucky to have found a guy that can handle that ingrained insecurity without even realizing that is what he is doing. SO glad you have that too!

    • October 17, 2010 6:26 pm

      definitely…it’s weird to admit it when you know better…that it shouldn’t affect you. definitely glad to have isaiah and back at you, glad you have it too!

  2. October 17, 2010 1:13 pm

    He sounds wonderful. And this post was so touching, so thoughtful and so insightful.

  3. October 17, 2010 6:37 pm

    i’m so sorry. we were surrounded by divorces of young, happy couples early in our marriage, and it was mildly devastating. how awesome that you’re so attune to the effects of your parents’ divorce and how awesome that he knows you so well. ❤

    (and also. those one or two nasty, dirty fights won't break you, ya know. if you have a nice underlying base of healthy fights and communication- which you do, smart lady. i can't wait to read about how you guys fight)

    • October 17, 2010 11:05 pm

      I definitely agree…couples don’t split because of one of those fights…thanks for being so sweet and intuitive, Liz.

  4. October 17, 2010 9:06 pm

    i get this. all of this. i want to say so much, but yet i have very little to say at the same time.

    i think it’s awesome you can reflect like this. we can’t control everything that happens to us, but we can control how we react and what we take away from it.

    🙂 you guys are cute.

    • October 17, 2010 11:06 pm

      I knew you would…I get it. Sometimes saying a little is better than saying alot, haha, something I have to learn….
      Thanks, Angie

  5. October 17, 2010 11:02 pm

    Aww what a lovely post. Its uplifting taking a peek into your life.

    I know what its like to be from a divorced family but hey, if anything, it makes you want to break that cycle and you my dear, I believe, have what it takes to make your marriage work 🙂

    • October 17, 2010 11:11 pm

      Seriously blushing. I’m so glad to have “met” you. Quotations…feels so ridiculous. But yes, glad we found each other.

  6. October 18, 2010 8:53 am

    A heartfelt post that definitely makes me so thankful for my wonderful man. Thank you for being so candid… and you & your honey seem amazing. The best advice I have gotten through our wedding planning (and there has been A LOT) is to keep each other first. If you can manage that, then the rest finds its place.

  7. October 18, 2010 10:58 am

    I am so sorry. It is so hard to watch people you love go through divorce (or any other form of loss, for that matter). I think it can be very easy to start making comparisons, which will eat away at you. Tony told me that he lost good friends during his divorce because their wives didn’t want them to hang out with a divorced guy. I guess the theory is that divorce is catching.

    Having watched my parents’ divorce and gone through my own, the only advice I have is to keep talking to Isiah. Be very open and honest with each other, and always have one another’s backs. That’s critical.

    • October 18, 2010 2:13 pm

      I know…it’s tough. Divorce is contagious?! What?! Who are these people!? I will agree, though, that I have…distanced…myself from divorce if possible and only if I feel it’s beginning to affect mine and Isaiah’s relationship. However, that’s only with “acquaintances,” not friends or family. The only problem with being so close to divorce is when one or both members of the relationship are talking about how awful the other one is…and that’s just never good all the way around.

      I agree, chickee, gotta keep talking. My best dr. phil impression: “Communicate…you MUST communicate.”

  8. October 18, 2010 12:13 pm

    divorce is awful, regardless of whether you could see it coming or not. I’m glad you have a guy who makes you laugh to help yuou get through this

    • October 18, 2010 2:17 pm

      I couldn’t agree more…I’m a firm believer that every relationship is salvageable…it just depends on what point during the relationship. It’s sad to look at certain turning points where one person became completely closed-off to another…or refused to try…or what not (insert 1,000,000 reasons why couple separate).

  9. October 19, 2010 12:49 am

    OMG I TOTALLY thought of you this weekend b/c of this post! Brent (my husband) jumped over a curb in a parking lot and I sighed all loud like I do sometimes. He spoke loudly at me to just relax, he didn’t do it on purpose. So I got pissy and wouldn’t talk to him, and purposely walked behind him up to the soccer field. Stupid, right? But whatever. He asked if I was intentionally not walking next to him; “Yes, because you were being a jerk.” He said he wasn’t. I said he would feel bad if I hit my head on the roof of the truck, got a concussion, and died. We both stopped walking. He kissed me and then we both cracked up laughing. So that reminded me of you… please don’t think I’m weird.

    For the record, he said he WOULD feel bad if I got a concussion and died – but assured me that wouldn’t happen.

    Again for the record – I’m sorry about the divorce so close to you. All you can do is try your very best, all the time. It’ll be good. 🙂

    • October 19, 2010 1:01 am

      Nope, not weird. Sometimes what makes you crack up in the middle of an argument can be the STRANGEST things. Isaiah has won me over with as little as an Elmer Fudd impersonation (he does do an extremely good Fudd). Whatever warns you you’re being a little silly sooner is a winner in my book. Unfortunately, my reaction is just to get quiet or scream (one of two extremes) when Isaiah is being irrational. We’re lucky for the humorous men in our lives who know that little weak spot in our hearts, eh?

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