I hope all of us here hate divorce. So I’m not going to say something blatantly obvious like, “I hate divorce.”
We’re all on the same page, right?
Moving on. I never like seeing people around me getting divorced for any reason. However, by the time it gets to that point, it’s often “time,” in an unfortunately real way. By the time you’re in that position, there’s very little anyone can do to “save” the marriage, because they haven’t put time and care and attention into it for a long time.
I’m a firm believer that when two people get divorced, it’s most likely because one or both people failed to put the marriage first. Boil down the most complicated divorces, and that’s often at the root of it all.
Many of the divorces that have happened around me have very complex issues (addiction, for one). About a year ago, Isaiah’s parents decided to get divorced. It was the strangest thing. After being together 27 years, they couldn’t stand to be around each other any more. It blew my mind. A divorce that didn’t involve addiction or abuse was something I had never experienced. To me, they were getting divorced for “no reason.”
Isaiah’s mom explained something to me that I had never seen…but lately, have seen more and more. It’s the idea that people have the capability to turn each other into monsters. In Isaiah’s parents’ case, one of them has a tendency to be pushier and the other has a tendency to be lazier. The lazier one is, the pushier the other gets. The cycle continues until you hear yourself say something out loud that makes you sick.
People can become entirely different people in the wrong marriage.
Someone who loves to have fun and be laid-back that has to push and push another person to get something done ends up giving away tiny pieces of themselves and is forced into a position they don’t want to be in.
Anyways, this is all just background to tell you this.
Isaiah and I decide on a daily basis to talk, to improve and to be conscious of our relationship. This isn’t as dull or draining as it sounds. Sometimes it’s less deliberate than others and comes up if one of us is feeling pressured to change in a negative way. Others it’s in conversations about the future and who we want to be. The point of it all, if I haven’t lost you already, is to keep in mind the dangers of being complacent in a relationship.
Even just knowing that those things are out there is enough, sometimes, to keep you from falling into common potholes. Although there’s no guaranteed way to “beat” divorce, in my opinion, all you can do is be sure to know the person you’re marrying as well as we can, be deliberate in our relationships so their pitfalls don’t sneak up below us and be thoughtful of the other person’s needs and goals.
The waters are rough out there…but we can do plenty of things to be prepared to face them.